He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
