I'm gonna have a badass scar
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
