You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
