i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
