I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
