hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Dicks are not precious.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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