Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
