I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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