Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
