if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
