when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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