Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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