probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The Olympian is in my bed
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
