i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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