he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
