im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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