so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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