Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
