How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
