I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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