I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
