I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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