last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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