I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
