I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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