I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
