who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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