Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
