god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
worst night to have a conscience
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
