the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
