Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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