Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
