Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
