Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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