yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
