I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
