I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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