NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
