"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
