Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
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