ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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