I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
