I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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