How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
