I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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