if you like me you must not know who I am
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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