Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
