It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
