i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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