A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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