And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
