You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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