While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
His hands were made for my vagina.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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