After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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