i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
