Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
