I heard we made out
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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