Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
