so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
