I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He felt like a one man threesome
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
