I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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