I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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