how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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